If Only If Only
by Cognoscente
Summary: SessKag:Kagome is the daughter of a wealthy family. Inuyasha is a shogun at war with his brother. They are engaged when Kagome finds him with another woman, and spirals into a depression. What happens when that brother finds her?(full summery inside)
1. Prologue

_.:If Only, If Only:.  
_By: Kagura-hime

Summery: Kagome Higurashi is the daughter of a wealthy family in the mid 1500's of Japan. Inuyasha Takara is a powerful shogun at war with his ruthless half brother. They are engaged to wed when Kagome finds him with another woman, and spirals into a deadly depression. What happens when that ruthless brother catches up with the young maiden in the midst of battle, and discovers the shocking truth? Sess/Kag

Insert standard disclaimer here

Yeah…nothing important…just read.

Recommended fics: Bottled Genius, and Dead Famous by _Rozefire_, because I think you'll need some humor after this fic, or if you want to check out another angst filled fic, look at Tourniquet by _Child of the Ancients_. It's a songfic based on the Evanescence song.

_.:If Only, If Only:.  
_**::Prologue::**

This is the story about a girl whose entire life got turned upside down by one simple revelation that rocked her world. Everything she was ever taught to believe was thrown out the window to disappear with the season of fading leaves. She was confused as hell to put it simply. How could this have happened to her? Her, whose life had been planned for her, now twisted into shambles but Fates unmerciful grip?

What she could have done to prevent this? Surely something could have been done to change the outcome. But nothing was. She saw the danger, and kept plowing right though anyway. Her strong will and undeniable stubbornness drove her to the edge, where she now dangled precariously, where just one little movement would send her plunging to her death. Why couldn't one of all the other people on this god-forsaken earth be in her place? Had Destiny planned for her to bring dishonor and shame upon her family? If only she hadn't been at the wrong place at the wrong time and remained blissfully ignorant...

The catapult theory was coming back to haunt her. All that luck she had lately...then _this_ goes and happens. The catapult was stretched to far. Snap.

If there was a way to reverse time, this girl would have surely already changed things. But, the question is...if it was Destiny, would it have found another way to have its wishes carried out? This the girl did not know. So as she slid ever closer to that sharp drop, there was just one thought that stood out clearest in her jumble of a mind. When she did finally hit that ledge, which she was positive she would, would she be saved, or would she be forgotten?

_If only, If only..._

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Kagome rolled over onto her side on the tatami mat. Her eyes were bloodshot from many restless nights of tossing and turning; blessed sleep never claiming her for long. Tears streamed down her face, silent but deadly. They screamed of her ultimate pain and betrayal, a pain that she would carry with her until the end of her days- which would be soon if she didn't learn to cope fast.

A creak sounded out in the hall, and Kagome froze. She gripped the small dagger under her blanket that she now kept with her at all times. Her breathing became ragged and the tears stopped flowing for a split second. A shadow sat in front of the shogi screen and knocked. The outline was that of a young woman.

"Kagome-sama, are you ready for me to dress you?" she called softly. She didn't even know why the young girl even bothered to get dressed anymore- all she did was sit in her room staring into space and crying all day. She barely ate and it was even more rare that she came out to see her father and the never-ending flow of guests and suitors. _'What has happened to the young miss? Why must she kill herself?'_

Kagome slowly loosened her deathly grip on the blade. She swiped the crystal drops from her eyes savagely and pushed herself up into a kneeling position weakly, for she had very little strength left inside her.

"Not yet. Let me rest awhile more," she commanded a little shakily.

The servant merely nodded and rose quietly. She took her leave, and Kagome stared out the window to a certain grove of trees. Sobs threatened to destroy her again as she remembered the scene that took place there only a few days before.

**:Flashback:**

Kagome sat smiling widely on her small deck, staring up at the full moon. She giggled softly and gleefully as her mind raced over the thing that finally made her life mean something. _'He loves me,'_ she thought. _'He wants to marry me because of _me_, not just because of the agreement. I've known him for so many months. He's changed...I can tell. I can't wait until the wedding!'_ she giggled carefree as any bird or butterfly.

She twirled around breathless and giddy, looking like a goddess in the pale moonlight. Her loose kimono twirled around, giving her grace and beauty. She was so immersed in her thoughts of weddings and the man she loved that she almost missed the rustling in the bushes. Almost. Her keen hearing picked up on it, and she peered into the darkness trying to pinpoint exactly what it was. She saw dark shadows move into a clearing after the short line of trees that gave it just enough privacy to feel alone.

Now Kagome had always been curious, even as a 17 year old that curiosity still breathed within her. She quickly climbed over the short railing, and ran barefoot silently across the yard until she peeked through the bushes into the clearing.

She gasped at the sight. It was her love, with a woman not herself in his arms. From her point of view, the woman's face was away from her, but her fiancées god like face pressed against that woman's was all she saw. She didn't care who it was, she wanted to hurt them, to plead with them, to hate them. Yet somehow, the only one she could feel any malice towards was Inuyasha, her beloved prince in shining armor.

She walked forward in a dream-like daze, and stopped mere feet from the scene that was shredding her heart to pieces. Those pieces stood in a broken heap on the ground, and Kagome didn't even bother to pick them up.

"Inuyasha…" she whispered.

His dog like ears picked up the slight whisper immediately, and he tore his face from the woman's'-who Kagome now saw as her servant Kikyo. Tears welled up in her eyes, as Inuyasha stared blankly at her with his gorgeous golden eyes.

Her hand reached up to caress his cheek, but it froze in midair, and curled into a fist. She brought the hand to her chest in one quick motion while whirling around and bolting for all she was worth.

"Kago-" Inuyasha was breaking away from Kikyo, yet just as he started to escape, his eyes glazed over, and he wrapped his arms around Kikyo again.

"Good boy," Kikyo murmured as his lips captured hers in a passionate kiss.

**:End Flashback:**

Kagome held a handkerchief to her face before she collapsed onto her pillow and her heart cried out yet again of its utter anguish. She would not-could not- live much longer like this. Soon, she was to die.

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"How long will nee-chan stay in her rooms?" a young boy of about twelve asked.

"Until she comes out I suppose, Souta," a man presumed to be his father answered.

They sipped their tea in silence. Souta brought a rice cake to his lips, and chomped down sullenly. _'What exactly happened to nee-chan? What isn't she telling us?'_ he thought sadly.

The maid that had just spoken with Kagome walked in, and sat down beside the girls' father.

"What is her answer today, Matsuni?"

"Same as yesterday, and the day before that as well Higurashi-sama. She still does not care whether she is presentable or not," the servant Matsuni replied, with her head bowed in respect.

Her father-Taisho-nodded, and waved his hand, dismissing her. Souta opened his mouth, but Taisho held up a hand. "No more," he commanded.

Souta nodded, and walked to his rooms-which was next to Kagome's. He stopped and heard her weeping inside. _'When is she going to stop? When will her eyes finally run dry?'_

**Tadaa! Not very much changed, but, yeah, still better than before. Leave me some love will ya? I love all kinds of feedback.**


	2. Carelessness is the Devil's Advocate

_.:If Only, If Only:.  
_By: Kagura-hime

Summery: Kagome Higurashi is the daughter of a wealthy family in the mid 1500's of Japan. Inuyasha Takara is a powerful shogun at war with his ruthless half brother. They are engaged to wed when Kagome finds him with another woman, and spirals into a deadly depression. What happens when that ruthless brother catches up with the young maiden in the midst of battle, and discovers the shocking truth? Sess/Kag

Disclaimer: I own a Koosh Ball, a roll of duct tape, and a permanent marker. Do you see Inuyasha in there anywhere? Didn't think so.

Get on with the story.

_:If Only, If Only:  
_**.:Chapter 1: Carelessness is the Devil's Advocate:.**

**:Dream Sequence:**

Splash.

Kagome's tears left a watery trail behind her, landing in her hair, on the ground, and on the trees that not-so-gently wiped away the salty droplets. The cuts and abrasions that littered her face and arms, torso and body caused by the tear-takers stung all the more as dirt and mud seeped into them when she tripped and fell. She laid there, face down, and continued the first of the many tears she would yet shed. Crimson liquid spilled forth from the worst of her wounds, and the ground greedily sucked up the precious fluid. Mud began to cake on her sleeping kimono, and her silken hair was tangled into rat nests- yet she did not care, and her weeping continued.

Wallowing in her misery, she completely zoned out of her surroundings-a dangerous move in the wilds of a warring country. She never heard the thundering footsteps of the restless bandits, nor their hoots of jolly glee at finding a pretty young girl alone in the wilderness. All she heard were her sobs, and the sound of her heart shattering in her chest. And for that, she would suffer horribly.

"Hey princess, what are you doing out here all by your little lonesome?" a scrawny thief taunted in a childish voice as the rest of the dozen or so odd men accompanying him roared delightfully.

Kagome didn't even care anymore. She had heard his words, seeing as how he was practically screaming them at her in his drunken state. Drunk or not though, a bandit was still a bandit, and she could not expect them to just turn a blind eye or two and let her curl up and die quickly and quietly. No...they would bring it upon her in the most vicious and brutal way possible, and there was nothing she could do about it. Even if she still possessed the strength to run, she didn't have the will. _'What's the point...whether they kill me or I do it myself, it will still be done sooner or later...I hope,'_ she thought miserably.

She let out a piercing cry that cut though the night air, startling animals from their homes when the bandit roughly shoved her over-

**:End Dream Sequence:**

Kagome's body sprang forward ramrod straight as sweat poured down her face in torrents. Her brother looked up at her quizzically from his half-sprawled position on her lap.

She placed a quavering hand over her heart, and her mind raced. _'It was only Souta, it was only Souta...it was only Souta dammit!'_ she thought heatedly trying to rid her mind of the images that forever taunted her, and plagued her conscience and unconscious existence.

"Are you ok nee-chan?" Souta asked worriedly, reaching his hand up to her face as if trying to check her temperature in a motherly fashion.

'_I have to be strong...for Souta...'_

She smacked his hand away playfully, and pasted on a false smile that had been stored away for quite some time on her pale face.

"I'm ok Souta. Don't worry, it was just a bad dream. I'm fine."

He cocked his head to the side, as if debating whether her answer had been genuine or not.

The maiden held bated breath, and let out a silent sigh of relief when she seemed to pass. But immediately her hackles were raised when he asked his next question.

"What happened to you?"

The girl tensed slightly, as she pondered on how to answer that. She decided to stall using his own tactic.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked, ruffling his hair affectionately.

His brow creased as he rattled off all the "symptoms" of his beloved sister.

"You don't eat with Otou-san and me anymore-barely at all for that matter-you stay in bed crying all day, you never smile, and you don't play the flute anymore. Is it because Inuyasha-chan left?"

She was fine until _his_ name rolled off the boys tongue. All the excuses she had made up while he was speaking eluded her now, and she froze, trying to grasp onto something solid before she completely lost herself inside. Her sanity was disappearing, and it was laughing at her, just beyond her grasp, bouncing up and down in apparent glee. She was disappearing, going father and father within herself, twisting and turning in a maze with no exit in sight. She just kept going father down, all with just the _mention_ of his name. Because someone said it, it finally sunk in to her muddled brain that he was gone. Forever. And he wasn't coming back.

"Kagome, you're hurting me!" Souta screeched and thrashed wildly in the death grip Kagome had captured his hands in.

Immediately she reacted, and released his throbbing hands. For her it was like resurfacing. The maze in which she had disappeared into vanished, no trace of its existence in sight. It was like she had been drowning, the water seeping into her lungs. Now she had broken the surface of the seemingly placid ocean, and her lungs and mind were cleared.

She had hurt her brother-the dearest thing in the world to her. No one was allowed to harm him, and she made sure of it. She had sheltered him when their mother died, and taken him under her wing as a son and a brother. She had comforted him when their father had been nearly killed in battle, or got so involved in his work that he ignored his duty as that. _'But now,'_ she thought, _'If I can't even stand up to my own demons, whose going to protect him from his?'_

'_This can not continue'_, she decided firmly. Yet she could not either. Inuyasha had taken a massive chunk of her heart with him. After she had found him that night, he had left early the next day with Kikyo. It had been later found out that the affair had been going on for several months. Rumor had it that it was supposed to be a one night thing. Rumor had it that he had gotten drunk after a rather nasty argument with Kagome, and rumor had it that he had mistaken Kikyo for Kagome and "made up" as some would put it. Rumor had it that she had become pregnant, and that was the reason he had stayed with her. He could not be engaged and have an illegitimate child. Society would not stand for it. So he saw her in secret, and fell head-over-heals for her. But it was all rumors. Deep down, Kagome's heart wished that it was all a mistake, and that he would be her samurai in shining armor and burst though her shoji screen and carry her away. But her mind had conjured the truth finally, and it was slowly eating alive her from the inside out. She hadn't been pregnant, it would have been obvious. He was in love with another woman. That's all there is too it.

She looked down at the frightened boy next to her. He was not frightened for his own safety, but hers. She wasn't herself, and that scared him more than her behavior. _'If sis loses it, then it must be bad' _he thought reluctantly.

Kagome suddenly snatched him up into her comforting arms, and cried her heart out onto his shoulder. She cried all of her anguish, all of her pain, all of her heartbreak, all of her love. The arms that usually comforted every hurt the boy had were wrapped tightly around his slender frame, and her sobs shook his body they were so violent. He remembered how his sister had held him when he had run to her for help, and he did that now, offering what condolence he could when he didn't know the reason of her troubles.

They stayed in that position for gods only know how long. They parted when her eyes ran dry, the endless sea emptied out, and there was nothing left to fall back on. They were bone-dry, and Souta was glad that he could help her in some way, even a little.

They sat awkwardly for a few minutes, not knowing what to say-or what _could_ be said. Finally, Kagome broke the mounting silence.

"Please leave me now to rest Souta. Please?" she asked, a pleading look in her crystal coated eyes.

The said boy nodded and hugged his sister one last time. She hugged him back weakly, and he stood and walked agonizingly slow to the shoji screen. He turned around and stared at Kagome, who was looking down towards the earth. He opened his mouth and stopped. He was going to tell her to get dressed and eat with him, but he decided against it and only whispered distantly to her instead.

"I love you Kagome..."

He walked out before he could hear her tender response.

"I love you too...little brother..."

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Kagome rolled over onto her back and closed her eyes. She was trying to fall asleep again, but Mr. Sandman was not cooperating. She opened her eyes, and forced herself to finish the dream that Souta had woken her up from. She remembered it clearly, for who could forget something like _that_?

Shame overcame her as the memory flooded her mind, and overtook her body once more.

**:.:Memory Sequence:.:**

She let out a piercing cry that cut though the night air, startling animals from their homes when the bandit roughly shoved her over with the tip of his boot.

"Well ya little bitch, are ya gonna answer me or not?"

When she made no response, he grabbed the front of her kimono and dragged her up to her feet. Then he backhanded her against the side of her face.

She winced a little in pain, but made no other response that she had felt the vicious blow. In the background, the men bellowed with mirth. One didn't join in though.

"Hey, uh, boss?" a rather stupid looking one started. He gulped but continued when the one who held Kagome turned around and glared at him maliciously. "What are ya gonna do with her now Kotatsu-sama?"

The intoxicated thief thought for a moment. Then you could almost see the light bulb flick on above his puny little head.

"I think I'll teach this little whore a lesson," he slurred, and again the men cheered their approval.

Kagome just dangled from his hand, her feet inches off the ground. The obi on her kimono was starting to loosen dangerously, and she was staring to slip out of his hold.

'_He's going...to rape me, isn't he?'_ Kagome though fearfully. This was the first coherent thought to process in her grief-ridden mind. _'No, I can't let him! I can't shame my family name anymore!'_ With that thought in mind, Kagome helped the obi untie by violently twisting.

"What the fuck are you doing wench?! Stop it!"

But the bandit was too late. In his drunken state he was uncoordinated, and slow to respond. Kagome had already slipped through his fingers and was bolting away while he ripped up her forgotten outfit trying to get to her.

"YOU LITTLE BITCH! GET BACK HERE!" he roared like an angry beast, and stumbled forward, tripping flat on his face on a tree root.

"I'll get her!" the rather stupid looking one shouted, already dashing after her her. He was the only one not drunk, so he would have a better chance to get her than the rest.

Kagome crashed through the underbrush, and dodged around trees as the adrenaline pumped though her veins, though she didn't know that.

Kagome heard the footsteps behind her this time, and willed her body to move faster. _'They'll kill me if they catch me now. I can't die...not yet...for Souta.'_

But that precise thought is what made her speed up, and run into a small tree she hadn't seen in the darkness.

"Shit!" she cursed as she scrambled to her feet, and continued on. Or at least she tried to anyway. Her knee gave out from under her and started to throb. '_Dammit, not now, please not now!'_ She pleaded with any and all gods that could hear her. Her knees were bad, and gave out every once in a while, and she wasn't surprised that it had, with the collision she had just made. She then cursed her father, as she had inherited it from his side of the family.

"Got'cha!" that bandit cried triumphantly as he grabbed Kagome by the hair on her head.

"NO! Let me go!" She screeched at the top of her lungs between the violent twisting motions she made to escape.

The bandit slammed his arm around her body, effectively pining her arms to her sides. He then released her hair and copped a feel of her bare breast while wrapping that arm around her nude person.

She tried kicking, and almost pulled free, but the man quickly bent down and grabbed the nearest rock. Kagome realized too late what he was going to do, and slumped powerless and vulnerable into his relaxing arms.

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Kagome pinched her eyes shut before groggily opening them to witness a nightmarish level of hell that she had only heard existed. She was back at a camp the men had made, bound and gagged with her arms above her head to a tree, her legs spread wide and tied to trees so she couldn't close her legs next to a large bonfire. She was also buck naked, throbbing in pain all over her body, and passing men would bend down and fondle her, or give her approving looks.

When the head man-Kotatsu she believed he was called- realized she was awake, he smiled evilly. The predatory look in his eyes frightened-terrified- Kagome and she _knew_ what he was thinking.

"Looks like our _guest_ is awake boys. Anyone who wants a turn with her conscious can finally have a go."

Kagome's eyes widened in shock. _'That means….lord only knows what they did to me while I was knocked out. Oh god…this can't be happening to me. Please god, no. Help me.'_

A large man stepped up, his face beaming, his eyes glazed with alcohol. "Gimme a few minutes with her boss. I like 'em when they're conscious, they put up more of a struggle."

Kotatsu laughed. "Whatever your fancy. Have fun."

Kagome struggled against her bonds as he approached her, stripping his shirt off. _'They're too tight…I can't loosen them. Please, somebody help me!'_

The man licked the side of her face, and Kagome moved her head in disgust. At her motion he slapped her, letting out a drunken giggle. He touched her, fondled her in places no man but her husband should have known, and none too gently at that. Kagome cried silently, having no choice but to lie there and take it. She wished for no less then death when suddenly the man who had hit her with the rock went flying across the camp into a tree. All the other drunken idiots turned to where he had been standing at the clearing edge and saw a tall figure standing there in battle armor. He had flowing white hair, similar to Inuyasha's, but different. More beautiful and refined somehow. His golden eyes were deeper and a richer hue of amber then her dear Yasha's. He was taller and of a slenderer build, but anyone who knew Inuyasha would be able to tell that this was the half-brother, Sesshoumaru, he had been warring against for land for years upon years.

The men stared stupidly as Kagome watched him in awe. Of all the people to show up, why must it be this ruthless man? According to Inuyasha, he was a heartless, merciless bastard of a man with no regard to anything but what he wanted. Kagome had never met the man, but she hated him as much as she loved Inuyasha. Anyone who was his enemy was hers. But at the same time as she remembered this, hope surged within her that she had misjudged him as much as she had his brother, and that he had enough of a heart to save her.

"What…who the fuck are you asshole?" Kotatsu asked, looking back and forth between Sesshoumaru and the prone figure lying under a tree across the clearing.

"It doesn't matter, since you will all die soon anyway."

"Yeah, right. I have a dozen men to one of you. I doubt you can handle us all. You took out one of my guys by sneaking up on us. You don't got that advantage no more," Kotatsu looked pleased at his reasoning.

Sesshoumaru looked around slowly at all the heavy-breathing drunks pulling weapons out slowly, clumsily. "Yes, you have a dozen men. A dozen drunk humans who can't even walk straight. It will be child's play to take out every last one of you filthy thieves who are living, uninvited I may add, on my land."

Kotatsu sobered quickly when he realized he was talking to the demon whose woods he burned, towns plundered, and women raped. He showed the first signs of fear yet, and Sesshoumaru smiled viciously at the sight.

Suddenly he rushed, and in the blink of an eye he had reached Kotatsu and slit his throat with his claws. When a spray of blood hit the nearest guy, the rest of the bandits jumped into action, attacking from every direction. Sesshoumaru twirled, releasing his demon whip and slaying them all in one quick clean motion. Then he turned to Kagome, bathed in human blood and entrails. She prayed silently to whatever gods were listening that he didn't kill her as well, but that he did kill the son of a bitch still inside her, who had stopped raping her for a moment and turned at the disturbance.

He walked over to them, slowly, staring the bandit dead in the eye. Kagome could feel him trembling on top of her, but he was too petrified to do more than that as the demon approached him. When Sesshoumaru finally reached him, he said only a few words, but his tone is what stated clearly that this man was about to die.

"Remove yourself from the girl human. And quickly."

Trembling even more violently, he pulled out slowly, pleading for his life. Once he was clear of Kagome, Sesshoumaru grabbed him by the neck and slammed him into a nearby tree. He released the poison from his claws as the man screamed in agony until his vocal cords were slowly melted. Melted _agonizingly_ slow. Soon his head fell away with nothing to hold it up, and the body fell away like a rag dolls. Sesshoumaru turned around to face Kagome, fixing his piercing gaze on her midnight blue eyes. His face was still impassive as it was before, but he seemed softened somehow. She knew he wasn't going to kill her, but that didn't mean he was going to help her either. She pleaded with her eyes to him to unbind her, and he walked the few paces to her, never once looking away from her face.

He bent down on one knee and removed her gag. Kagome sucked in a deep lungful of air only to choke on the rank odor of blood. He sliced all her bonds, put her hands at her sides, but Kagome was still too weak to move much on her own.

"You are free. Go home now."

Kagome turned her head to him, and summoning all her strength, spoke to him. "Can't…move. Please….help me."

Sesshoumaru could tell she wasn't lying. She was weak from a nasty bash on the head, and blood loss. She had been violently raped and beaten by almost every single man at this camp multiple times. She had been a virgin, and the ground between her legs was soaked in blood, the insides of her thighs massively bruised, her face puffy and cut. She'd been horribly abused, and it probably hurt to think, let alone get up and stroll home.

So, he decided he would help her, though he wasn't quite sure why. He'd seen humans in worse condition and left them where they laid. Something about her stirred his long-frozen heartstrings in a way only Rin had been able to do. He imagined her in this situation and the beast inside rose up, ready to kill at the very thought of someone doing this his ward. He pushed it down and looked at the girl. She reminded him of Rin. She was obviously older, her hair and eyes were slightly different, and she had no real resemblance physically to the eleven-year-old, but he supposed it was the air of innocence each had. This girl hadn't deserved what had happened to her, just as Rin hadn't deserved her lot in life.

'_God I'm growing soft in my old age,'_ he thought to himself as he nodded at the girl and picked her up as gently as he could. She hissed in pain, and he almost winced. Almost.

He asked simply, "Where?"

She swallowed, trying to find her voice, and after a moment croaked out, "Hi-Higurashi manor."

He raised his eyebrows, but said nothing as he took off in the direction of the Higurashi manor. _'Is this the infamous wench that's engaged to my mutt of a brother? If she is, then what is she doing out here? She should have known how dangerous it is. How did she get this far from home anyway? She could be a servant, whose midnight rendezvous went bad. But she was a virgin, so I doubt that. Hmm, very interesting. I shall have to look into this matter more thoroughly…'_

With that resolution in mind, he speed off into the night, the poor damaged maiden cradled carefully into his rock-sold chest tenderly, though he would have killed anyone on site who breathed a word of that aloud.

But the one person who did see would never do that. He wanted to keep this key bit of information on the down and low, a plan forming in his scheming little mind. His purple eyes glittered manically because of the havoc he was plotting; his mouth fixed in a smirk that held only a promise of death and destruction that followed him wherever he went.

**Whelp, there we go. Finally, an update of some sort. Woot for me. Don't ask me what inspired me to pick up writing fanfiction again, but no fear. My love of this form of writing has resurfaced from rereading some of my favorite fics; definitely expect to see more from me soon.**

**Honestly, I took out most of the Japanese I put in here like two years ago when I started writing this chapter mostly because I can't remember what it means (I just guessed from context clues) and put it in English. If you have any questions, tell me and I'll let you know what it means. **


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